Narcissistic Mothers, A Precursor to Domestic Violence

Many victims and survivors of Domestic Violence find themselves asking why they ever got involved in an abusive relationship. The clues that lead to how this happened, remain a mystery until much analysis and therapy is provided. For many, having an abusive father is the cause of feeling unworthy or having low self-esteem. Others will remember a mother figure who created chaos in the home with her demanding and selfish ways. Children often make excuses for their parents however; a generational pattern cannot be fixed until the problem is identified. A narcissistic mother or father does great damage to a child. In this article, I will focus on the mother/daughter relationship. There are many things that Narcissistic mothers do that bring confusion and low self-worth to her daughter. Some of them are: Crazy making, gas lighting, minimizing, verbal rages, and attacks, manipulating, ignoring, lying and using anger as a weapon of control all of which are regularly used by mothers that have a Narcissistic disorder.  The damage done by telling a child that what she is experiencing isn’t true for the purposes of manipulation is enormous. That child grows up believing that she cannot trust her instincts. That she must bury her feelings and not want or desire anything at all because if it goes against what her mother wants to do, she will be attacked and spend days depressed and confused. If a truth is apparent or blatant, a narcissist mother will tell her daughter that she is over reacting. The child is never validated, her emotions don’t count. The child may grow up resorting to escapism, drugs, promiscuity and abusive relationships where others prey on her to get their needs met. She doesn’t think she has a right to her needs. Her mother told her so. That child grows up afraid of others and she has no boundaries. Every psychopath, sociopath and narcissist will come out of the woodwork to see what they can get from her. One survivor shared, “I have one vivid memory of my mother raging against me because I didn’t want to go shopping one day. A few minutes after, she was very happily saying hello to some passersby on the street. Then she switched moods again and became angry, resumed her rage after the passersby had left”. The mood swings also appeared to be manipulative to control. Great acting skills. Mothers, please don’t use your children to fulfill your own needs. Get help, break the cycle. Narcissistic parenting is abusive and leads to a child growing up with codependence issues. Children growing up in dysfunctional families don’t even know what a normal relationship looks like. If a daughter doesn’t have the support of her mother due to the mother being swept up in her own self-absorbed world, she will also develop rejection and abandonment issues, confusion and will question her own sanity. The child goes out into the world and allows this treatment from friends and boyfriends and husbands because she thinks it’s normal to be involved in highly conflictual relationships. She thinks this is love and interprets the energy as passion. If she has a spiritual bent, she will think that she’s supposed to be self-sacrificing until death. This opens the door for all kinds of predators and opportunists disguised as friends or significant others. Only after years of prayer, reading and soul searching, research, will she discover that she is being used and abused. After bouts of depression and cutting people off and much introspection, she will discover that she’s attracting horrible selfish people into her life because they targeted her due to her niceness and lack of self-worth. A lot of what drives narcissists is their sense of entitlement. Give me this, give me that, or else…I will rage at you. Thereby leaving the child feeling like a horrible person because she didn’t want to go to the mall. What she learns is, you can’t say no. If you do, you will be punished, raged at and shamed, humiliated, talked about, given the silent treatment, scapegoated and targeted for God knows how long. She goes to school inappropriately dressed due to neglect with an inferiority complex. Along comes Ted Bundy who knows what to say and off she goes. In a world full of violence against women, sexism and trafficking, girls need all of the love and support they can get. Please get your own support system and needs meet elsewhere and be there for your daughter the way you’re supposed to be. She didn’t ask to be born into this world.

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